So I was walking through Wal-Mart the other night, just sort of browsing (actually pretending to be store security….something I like to do when I am really bored) when I made my way to the home electronics section of the store. As I was perusing the gizmos and gadgets…I saw it. It was so bright and shiny, yet also a little dangerous. It was the coolest blender I had ever seen. I had to have it. So I made my way to the check-out lane…..and then….
As I was driving home, I started to think about all the cool things I could do and make with my new toy. I mean, the box said that it would slice, dice, chop, blend and something about it being able to puree? I was not sure what that was, but it sounded a little bit naughty. Oh the fun that I was going to have when I got home….and then….
I got home, and it was like Christmas morning. I pulled the blender out of the bag and then tore it out of the box, and then…
Crap! I had to use the restroom. So I went to the bathroom and then headed back to the kitch….Damn it to hell! I forgot to wash my hands. So I went back to the bathroom, washed and dried my hands, and then made my way back to the kitchen….and then….
I opened up the fridge and pulled out everything that I could find that I thought might be good blended. I had leftover chili, strawberries, a partial burrito, some brown lettuce and milk! Perfect! So I plugged the blender into the wall and started dumping everything into it. First, I put in the strawberries and milk. It was at this point that I should have listened to the voices in my head saying, “not the chili and the bad lettuce,” but I ignored them completely and put them inside the blender too. I would have put the partial burrito in, but I ate it as I worked. I knew this might be gross, but I needed to blend….and then….
I hit the start button. Holy crap on a cracker! I forgot to put the lid on. There was a horrible noise and chilistrawlettucemilk was going everywhere. Not thinking, and currently covered in the nastiest stuff ever, I reached for the plug to make it stop. Why I made the decision to go this route instead of hitting the stop button, I will never know…and then…
It felt like 10,000 volts shooting through my body. Then everything went dark….and then….
I woke up and AUGHHHHHHHHHHH! Someone was kissing me. I opened up my eyes and saw Gus, the apartment complex’s very scary, smelly and toothless maintenance man. I screamed. Gus jumped and screamed louder than I was. He had been straddling me, but suddenly reeled over in pain, as my natural instinct had been to raise my knee into his groin. Turning blue himself, he said, “My God, you are alive. I guess that mouth to mouth stuff really does work.” And then….
I tried to stand up, but my body had a different idea. I was laying there terrified, in severe pain, smoke coming off of my hair, still kind grossed out, and all I could think about was my new blender. I think I broke it.
Scott David Booker 